PREFACE
I’m writing this post at essentially social rock bottom, so this may come across heavier than intended…
As you grow, and especially in life transitions, you will have people constantly moving in and out of your life. I’m currently experiencing this now as a young adult, freshly graduated and now moved back to my hometown where my job is located.
Social circles from college are now much harder to maintain, building new ones feels more like a struggle then what used to be effortless, and there is a period of isolation that everyone goes through for some time before landing back at something that feels comfortable.
There’s something unique about moving back to your hometown, too, that is unique to that of moving to a new city. You fall into the same ingrained habits of your past environment, hang out with the same friends, and do the same things. A routine is already in place and it becomes difficult to break, yet necessary if you’re going to grow.
Usually, people stay within the confines of their old habits and stunt their own growth unless they make actionable effort, or something shakes them out of the routine.
For me, it was the breakup of my girlfriend of nine years. That does something to your nervous system that truly disrupts your environment…
STORY
When you have a social structure that is built upon one relationship and that relationship fails, it’s only natural for that house of cards to fall and for people to pick sides.
For me, most of my social circle was built around my ex-girlfriend’s life, so it was only natural for them to go to her side. Plus, I was a real jerk the last two years of our relationship and I’m not proud of it.
This event also made me realize the true colors of what I considered to be some of my best friends at the time and the fragile social structure of my long term friend group. I’m unsure if this is a trend amongst all long-term friend groups or just specific to mine, but in my now previous friend group, it was very two-faced. My friends would have camaraderie and say nice things to each other in front of their face, but would gossip behind others’ backs.
For the longest time, I thought this was normal and participated in it without knowing that it just eroded the friendships to begin with.
So when me and my girlfriend broke up, it tested these friendships and a lot of them failed under the pressure. It also revealed character flaws of their own that weren’t conducive to long term trust. Most of my friends never reached out to me to see how I was doing, but continued this two-faced behavior of acting cordial, but proceeded to say some of the worst things about me while I wasn’t in the room. I was called a narcissist, an awful friend, and that I ruined my life.
When you make a mistake, it’s okay for these things are okay to say in private. People will have opinions but still choose to be apart of your life anyways because at the end of the day, they still want to be you freind. They choose to see your mistakes and not write you off for them.
The problems come from the people that do write you off. This is where you realize some people were never your freinds in the first place and were just keeping up an image. Those are the kinds of people you need to just let go.
And that’s fine. You have to be willing to release those people from influencing you because they weren’t healthy relationships to begin with. I saw the true colors of who these people are, and I also saw my own character flaws I didn’t know I had before.
So because of this whole event, I have been given a choice, and I chose to sit in the pain and grow from it, not let it define me.
So, what did I learn?
BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT WHO YOU SHARE YOUR WINS WITH
It’s simple. With friends, it’s natural to share your successes and wins in your career and personal life, but be selective on what you disclose. Not everyone is on the same growth trajectory as you and what might come across to you as normal sharing might come across to others as too ambitious for them to accomplish. This eventually turned into envy and betrayal.
And this makes sense for my situation. I experienced a lot of visible success in a short period of time, and set ambitious goals for myself that I voiced to others. I didn’t realize how that might land on people who were still finding their footing.
A lot of my friends in my long term friend group haven’t gone to college or are still in transition periods of their lives, having picked careers that make less money, are less glamorous, or are still just trying to figure things out. And that’s totally fine!
So naturally, when your friends who are all at around the same growth trajectory see someone breaking the mold, it can made them uncomfortable, and some become envious and spiteful.
Some will always be proud of your accomplishments (your true friends), while others turned their weapons against you, secretly talking behind your back, hoping for your downfall, or get a nugget of information that can tear you down (not your true friends!).
These kinds of people will do this, and still act as if they’re your friend to your face. Those kind of dynamics between “friends” are unhealthy foundations for building friendships in the first place.
TURN INWARD
As much as you want to blame others for leaving, part of it is also your fault. In many examples, I could’ve been a better friend and partner. It’s your job to look inward and see the flaws within yourself and work on them for future relationships and friendships, whether rekindling old ones or making new ones.
For me, I know I’m not a narcissist. I don’t think the world revolves around me nor do I put down others to inflate my own ego. What I do know is from this event, I’ve been able to identify a plethora of my own character flaws that I’m actively working on personally and in therapy.
CONCLUSION
It’s important to forgive those people for harming you, whether internally or physically, and most importantly, forgive yourself for any hurt that you might’ve caused. Only then can you save the relationships with people that are worth saving. Otherwise, let them go.
In the end, we’re not perfect people. Life events like this are inevitable as you grow. The best thing you can do is use them as a lesson, remember the pain it caused you, and grow to be a better person.
Thanks for reading :)
